Mass Effect Joke

Miranda Lawson was sitting at her terminal reading through people's files. Even though everyone had a right to privacy, her definition is "accessible to only you and me". She groaned as she read through another email from Kelly. Apparently she decided to try seducing Thane and Garrus into a threesome, even though Shepard was with Garrus. She moved onto Tyranna Roxanne Shepard's files, and she was surprised at what she saw in her latest email. She was relieved to see her and Ashley rebuilding their friendship, but their email thread was just disturbing. She pressed on the intercom and called Jacob and Kelly to enter her office immediately.

"Is there something you needed Lawson?" Jacob asked

"I have just uncovered something…disturbing" Miranda said uncomfortably

"Come on Miranda, you fought through the Collector base, you even saw the Human Reaper in person. What could possibly disturb you now?" Jacob asked

"Yes. I believe watching colonists get shredded alive is really disturbing, nothing can top that" Kelly pointed out

Miranda sighed and gestured the two of them to read the first disturbing email in the thread.

Hey Ashley,

Have you wondered how tasty those aliens might be? I am serious. Eating that asari special was interesting, especially with the nicely sculpted mock tentacles. Although I imagine quarians and turians will be toxic, I imagine they will be easy to eat too if they were levo amino acid based. I dreamt about eating an asari later that night, it was…odd and interesting at the same time. Hope to hear from you again!"

Tyranna Shepard

Miranda, Kelly, and Jacob stared at the email, struck dumb by what Shepard said to Ashley.

"So, Shepard has a taste for aliens? That's…new" Jacob said

"No, this is full of symbols her ego is using to cover her id's desire, don't you see it? She might be hinting at a sexual taste! That may mean she may be into Samara. Oh how wonderful that Justicar is, and how wonderful it will be to take her to my quarters and –"

"Kelly! Too much information!" Jacob and Miranda shouted

"Come on, don't tell me that Shepard can't have a thing for Samara"

Miranda shuddered at the image of Shepard and Samara going at it, and she threatened to hit Kelly with a slam if she didn't shut up. Unfortunately, they were a little too loud, and it got Garrus' and Thane's attention.

"Hey, what's going on?" Thane asked, "I heard you in the deck

Samara also came in, and she said that she heard them mention her.

"Shepard is into aliens!" Kelly exclaimed loudly

"Of course she is. She and I love each other" Garrus said

"I think Shepard may be interested in aliens in another way" Miranda said before directing them to another email, this one from Ashley.

Hey Shepard,

That's surprising to hear! You know what, I like eating aliens too. Eating asari seem appetizing, but I think turians are the most appetizing. Those hard scales, those muscles. Remember those long periods of time when you would catch me staring at Garrus whenever I am hungry? I was half imagining eating his body, or a turian's body. Oh speaking of Garrus, how are you and Garrus doing? I heard you two are now dating. I won't touch him, trust me. Best of luck!

Ashley

Garrus groaned in disgust and kept shaking his head in disbelief.

"The whole time she was staring at me, she was imagining me as her dinner!?" Garrus shouted

"That's disquieting" Thane commented under his breath

"No, those are hiding her true unconscious desires to have sex with you" Kelly explained, "they are all cover ups created by her ego to keep out inappropriate urges to –"

Kelly was cut short by Miranda's hand covering her mouth. Garrus just shuddered again and said "I don't know what is worse, Ashley wanting to eat me or her wanting to screw me" before shuddering again

"They aren't talking about eating you guys, I don't think they mean anything by it" Samara said, and Kelly muttered under her breath "you are in denial"

"I think this email might show you otherwise" Miranda said grimly. She showed Samara an email from Shepard describing how she might prepare an asari, and Samara actually paled a little.

"Oh my" Samara said, "I had no idea….."

"Once again, she is repressing her desire to –" Kelly started before getting cut off by a glare from Miranda

"I see Shepard even talked about eating a drell" Thane said with a sigh

Miranda looked at the email and shook her head in disbelief. In that email, she went in great detail about how to prepare a drell. They didn't see Tali come in until she asked what was going on.

"It seems that Shepard and Ashley are into aliens, in another way" Miranda said before letting Tali read an email called "How to serve quarians". She winced as she heard Tali scream in absolute disgust.

"Keelah! She wants to try eating a quarian!? Is she insane!?" Tali shouted in disbelief

"What do you mean Shepard is insane? She is the toughest human out there" Grunt said, announcing his presence in the doorway

"Like I said, all this talk of eating are symbols of –"

"SHUT UP CHAMBERS" everyone in the room shouted

Grunt decided to walk into the room and read the email. He saw Ashley talk about eating a krogan, and Shepard supplementing additional information, like how krogan have duplicates and so on.

"So? I occasionally think about eating one of you when I am hungry" Grunt stated bluntly, which got everyone backing away a little

"Do you mean you feel a romantic attraction to us? I understand, its natural to feel close" Kelly said

Miranda facepalmed and she slapped Kelly a few times.

"For the last time Chambers, Shepard is talking about food! I think you are the one in denial!" Miranda shouted at her

"Where is Shepard anyways?" Garrus asked

"I recall she is in the Hammerhead with Jack and Legion" Thane replied

"I wonder how much discomfort Jack and Legion are in now" Tali wondered while briefly remembering hanging on for dear life in the mako two years ago.

"Yeah….Jack and Legion may be tough, but I don't even they can stand being bounced around" Garrus added

"Hey, did you guys forget about Shepard's little interest?" Miranda reminded them, "in case you forgot, Shepard and Ashley have occasional thoughts of eating you or aliens"

"What's this about Shepard and food? Did she eat dextro amino based food?" Mordin asked

Everyone looked at him, then they glanced at Miranda for what she wants to do. She sighed and gestured Mordin over to her console. To everyone's surprise, Mordin wasn't appalled. What appalled everyone was Mordin's extremely elaborate descriptions on how to prepare drell, krogan, turians, asari, hanar, elcor, quarians, salarians, and humans, and he compared those with Shepard's and Ashley's discussions about eating all of those species except for humans.

"Personally, I don't see a reason why we need to do that. Doesn't hurt to know, may be stranded in space or on a planet with no way to get off, and food reserves are nonexistent" Mordin finished, and everyone stared at him with horrified looks.

"So, Kelly, are you going to suggest a sexual interest Mordin may be hiding?" Miranda mocked her

Kelly seemed deep in thought, and when she suddenly leapt into a long fast paced monologue about Shepard's possible diagnosis, Miranda immediately regretted asking that question. Her constant talking and pacing reminded her of how Mordn acted when they met him in the clinic. Miranda tried a few times to get their attention back, and she finally got it back when she made a loud beep with her terminal.

"Now that I have your attention, you all need to know to keep this a secret. If this gets out, it will be much harder to get support because any alien we talk to will be thinking about whether Shepard is imagining eating them" Miranda said, and she added after looking at Kelly with a mocking tone, "or having sex with them"

Kelly was about to reply when Shepard entered. Everyone froze in place, and they all started asking Shepard about whether she really wants to eat them. She held her hand up and after a minute they all calmed down.

"Did any of you see the emails Ashley and I were sending each other?"

"Yes, we did! To be honest, they were very disturbing!" Tali replied, her eyes showing disapproval

Shepard sighed and asked Miranda to let her get to the terminal.

"For a very smart woman, you really don't know to read the WHOLE thread" Shepard remarked when she reached the most recent part of the email thread.

Hey Ashley,

I am sorry I made you faint like that when I mentioned the Jelly Reptile Delight, where you mix hanar and drell body parts into one bowl. I want to say one thing….GOTCHA!!!! I was kidding around with you! I have no interest in eating aliens, that is practically cannibalism! So, do you seriously like eating aliens?

Shepard

Hey Shepard,

You got me good! I got you good as well haha. I don't like eating aliens either, which makes sense because I still don't like aliens as much. I do admit I am starting to like them, as companions, not food. I got you good, and it is nice to have a good laugh. We ought to try again.

Ashley

The room was silent, and Kelly was about to go on another tangent about it being another repression until they all glared at her again.

"Hopefully this shows you to be careful about what you look at" Shepard commented with a sigh before going back to her quarters. Everyone laughed nervously for a little, and they were all relieved that Shepard had no interest.

"Still have manuals for how to eat other species if interested" Mordin pitched in, and everyone just looked at him with looks that simply said "Mordin, no, just….no"